Wednesday, June 30, 2010


Found this model/girl from LA and her blog. COCAINE BRUNCH? And seriously could she have an uglier mouth? Its like a half developed fish's mouth.

well, I feel better now.

Monday, June 28, 2010

it happens.

So I had a little get together on Friday and decided to drink. I wanted to celebrate my new apartment and new awesome roommate aaand drink. I had a blast and felt pretty ok in the morning. But then Saturday I drank a bottle of wine and yesterday way too much vodka and puking when I should have been watching "Good Morning Vietnam".

I'm going back to not drinking, I liked it better.

Oh boy.

May I also add that this weekend was hormonally challenging for me and especially because of the full moon because my mom said so.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Day Fourteen and Fifteen


So sore. Super tired. Still sober.

Would really love my boobs touched right now.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Day Thirteen

Just about two weeks of sober. I'm moving tomorrow and having funny feelings about the last night in this apartment. I'm really excited to move and I'm not moving that far away but it's still funny.

I guess there's an amount of reflection that bubbles up without you knowing or wanting it to on occasions like this. I've been here three years. What was I like three years ago?

Remember that time it was four in the morning and you were sweeping up heaps of broken glass out side of your apartment door with a seventeen year old who had just escorted you to the local precinct to pick up your keys? Remember that time you practically had sex in the stairwell with your ex boyfriend? Remember when you brought your cat home? Remember when you brought your SECOND cat home? (in a cardboard box cause someone left him outside in winter!) REMEMBER WHEN YOU BROUGHT A PIGEON WITH A BROKEN LEG HOME? Remember when you stayed up all night doing drugs before graduation and it made graduation the most painful day of your life? Remember when you went to Berlin and all you did is drink and it was right after graduation and you were so CONFUSED? Remember how even with all the christmas lights you still weren't able to carve out one itsy corner in your room that felt safe and like home?

This is too much remembering.


I am pre menstruating and cannot be held liable for whatever dramatics are spewed out in this post or any further post for the next week. Thank you.

Well, it will be so nice to be in the new apartment, it's larger and brighter and has higher ceilings and huge tall closets and I have a loving roommate and together we will carve and carve till we find an eensy bit of home. And once I start drinking again my friends will like me.


Monday, June 21, 2010

Day Twelve

Dear Blog,


Don't worry though it's actually not as hard as all those capitals letters made it sound in your head.

While packing I uncovered this little sexy flask of mine, containing what smelt like whiskey but looked like vodka, dear lord knows from how long ago. (I think I was imagining the whiskey smell because I miss it most).

My first urge of course was to swig it and lap up the last few drops of maybe year old alcoholic grossness but I quickly dumped it out. What a shameful object. I remember stashing it in my purse at work years ago when I was a hostess at a horrible lincoln center Italian restaurant. I remember downing it all in the bathroom stall and thinking "shit! that's it?" Granted it was a horrible place to work and I was required to wear heels and prance around for 8 hours. I was the only girl with the BALLS to drink at work. I remember so often having to wipe lipstick off the mouth of it. Carrying it around juuuust in case.

Thank you Urban Outfitters, for making this shameful object, thank you for making my alcoholism look sexy. It's all I ever wanted.


Along with wanting a dead pet for my new apt I've been having an overwhelming urge to get a tattoo lately. Or get some more ear piercings, or these shoes. Sideffect of sobriety?!? Is sober Kaija a little goth girl? Is this the real me? Is a previously drunken and submissive darker Kaija now sober and showing her sharp gnawing teeth? I CANT WAIT TO FIND OUT!


Getting ready to move so I've been real busy throwing things into boxes and then painting my nails all "abstract" to procrastinate. That means I just paint my nails all messy with all the colors I have. A little splatter and I've got mini Pollocks on my finger tips.

CONFESSION, I've given in twice now and smoked the drug cigarettes, and I'm still smoking my stupid American Spirits but not all that regularly.

I have however not had a single drink in eleven days which floors me. I really didn't think I could do this. I'm still curious to know what it would be like to reaaaally go with out any smoking at all, but right now I'm pretty happy with the huge lifestyle change I've made with the drinking. I am astonished every day I go without, and it really has been/is my most destructive distraction.

On another note I've been feeling a little gothic recently and am getting excited about decorating the new place in an assortment of dead things. I really want a fox head, but any good looking taxidermy wall mount will do. Lemme know if you find anything.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Day Ten

It feels like its only been a few days, not ten!

Went to a lovely lovely barbecue at a neighborhood friends co-op building. There was free beer galore and even a clown, but I was able to say no to both. Went up to the roof which looks RIGHT over the water and had this view.

Came home and started packing to move into my new apt. which was less fun then I thought except I found that I really like spackling holes in the wall. Really really like.

I want to go beaching..

Friday, June 18, 2010

Day Nine

I think I am now addicted to the Texas Holdem game on my blackberry.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Drink Eight


Bought Valerian root to take to help me sleep. My papa swears by it.

Doing great on the no sex front. For dinner I made myself a sausage salad smeeeeared in creamy goat cheese.
Oh sausage salad you're so good and smeared I like to put you in my mouth and then chew you up and eat you oh yes sausage salad thank you so much.

Also today I went stress shopping and bought these tortuously painful cheap like a whore heels to wear around the house for when I'm feeling destructive. It works like a charm. They are not to be worn outside but can be worn in the bedroom. You know for when I stop eating sausage salads and start eat.. I forgot my mom reads this. hi mom.

Passing sober time vainly again. Here are the whore heels.

Day Seven - One Week of Sober

I almost did it. I almost chugged a half full bottle of medium grade pinot grigio. I almost drank straight from the bottle of medium grade (but very good quality for it's price range) vodka.

We were having a mom party. My mom and sister came in for dinner at our apt. and so did my roommates mom. And then they left, and I almost did it. But my dear friend Los was here, (not helping mind you, he tried to convince me wine is food) and when he left he helped big time and I had him take all the booze all away. And then another dear friend came who is also taking a stab at the whore that is sobriety, and he charged me up with love and listened to me whine.

And then he left and I was in an apartment all alone (which I can't stand often because in my house growing up there was always someone around, always) and I lay in bed and not even the dumb cats would come cuddle. And I couldn't sleep but then it started pouring. And pouring. And pouring. And I became exhausted, and I let it rain.

This is it, this is the longest I've gone without drinking maybe since I started. Or at least...moved to NY. 5 years?

This is absolutely exhausting.

but yay let me go celebrate with some mojitos!!! woooo! who's in!
(that was a joke..)

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Day Six

Having trouble sleeping at night. I guess "sleeping" and "passing out" are not the same thing? Weeeee

Monday, June 14, 2010

Day Five

Just sent a beloved friend off to Israel for a year. She learned Hebrew in three months. I Rode the Air Train and the A Train for two and a half hours back home and am exhausted.

I am so proud of her and while I will miss her I so very welcome all the change in the air that seems to be effecting so many people in my life. Except the two dumbbuts that live in their own little cat town heaven.

The little one is currently kneading my I writing about cats already?

Sunday, June 13, 2010


My most awesome sister just shared this with me. I think I'll go here when I die and become a cat.


Day Four

Getting RESTLESS laa falfajkl
But finding ways to cope..

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Day Three

Weeee Day Threeee!

I thought I was getting sillier because of my deprivation but on a walk to the grocery store earlier where I sang a song to each little squirelly my roommate assured me I had always been this way. She has known me since I was three.

I smoked three more cigarettes today but on my bandmates roof during breaks of a very productive session where I sang songs to a microphone and not to squirrels.

So better than normal and on the right track. Still no drinks drugs or sexs unless you count when I straddled the fire escape real hard because I thought I was going to fall...ah.

I couldn't find a good video of a singing squirrel so I give you this dear loved ones. Sweet Dreams!

Friday, June 11, 2010

Stupid Godfather Part II

11:42pm: Drinks Drank- 0
Sex Had- 0
Drugs Done- 0
Cigarettes Smoked- 2

Stupid stupid Godfather II. After eating Lizzie's amazing meatballs and half way through the movie I caved. However, I am determined to carry on and not lose hope! (And to stay away from eating meatballs and movies that exhaust the viewer and have lots of on screen smoking). Las Vegas wasn't built in a day...?...ehhhh.

Day Two

Made it through the night! No sleep drinking or smoking or sexing (that I know of). Woke up not groggy or filmy or hazy, put on a happy sunny Friday dress and bought a big refreshing iced coffee on the way to work...Crap.

Caffeine. Technically a drug. Right?

The Medical Dictionary Says:
drug (drug)
1. a chemical substance that affects the processes of the mind or body.
2. any chemical compound used in the diagnosis, treatment, or prevention of disease or other abnormal condition.
3. a substance used recreationally for its effects on the central nervous system, such as a narcotic.
4. to administer a drug to.

So, yes. Now, I could potentially (and what I'm going to be looking for and you should let me know if I start sniffing nailpolish remover ) is if I start picking up other vices to replace the ones I've cut out. This would defeat the purpose of my attempted tortuous soul searching. But while I may be crazy I'm not clinical and I'm not set on cutting out everything that could be considered a "drug". Advil, chocolate, the show Glee. I'm content stripping off my big vices and keeping an eye on the other ones. So for now I can sip my iced coffee. If I start shooting it up we'll take it from there.

3:24pm: Just left work, amped up on diet coke YUCK. Reaaaaally want a cigarette I ALWAYS have one on the way to the subway. So I made up a song. Goes like

"This is my cigarette song
Yea yea yea cigarette song"

And it is sung compulsively and repeatedly. I feel like a flailing toddler having a temper tantrum who is pinned to the floor by her older sibling. Waah.

3:37pm: Still on the train. I don't really know why I'm depriving myself of cigarettes. I plan to smoke them again when this is over. I really love them. I don't think I smoke too many anyways, and I see myself forever quitting when I'm older. Why put myself through this pain more than once in my life huh? Masochism? huh? huh huh?

7:04pm: Home, napped, more sparkly lemonade. I would be drinking now...kind of not sure what to do...bleeeh

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Day One

4:23 pm: Dear Blog, it's around 4:23 and I'm itchy for a Corona to go with my salad from Chipotle. It's so sticky and hot outside and I've been running around all day. A cold Corona right now would be like kissing Leonardo DiCaprio underwater like in that scene from Romeo and Juliet. But this is Day One, so I'll refrain and distract myself by thinking about chubby mariachi men kissing underwater instead.

9:14 pm: Just got out of acting class, running to the subway so I don't have time to think about a ciggaretttttttte!

10:05 pm: Home! Stopped at the bodega on the way and purchased a few things for dinner. Lemonade and soda water to replace my usual vodka soda with lime. Some beans for the cupboard. And for dinner I ate four half sour pickles and two chicken sausages. Hmm.


Introduction to Sobriety Uh

Some people climb mountains, some people ride bikes across countries, some people learn a new language in three months and then move to where they speak it. I'm not going to drink, smoke or have sex for 30 days.

I can't remember a time since I started drinking I went a week without alcohol. I made it six days about a month ago because I did something so heartbreaking and horrendous while drunk it scared me sober for a while...six days. (In my defense I was on a long family vacation and was understandably driven back to drinking by the high frequency shrieking that would not stop). I also can't remember the last time I went more than a week without smoking a cigarette. Not that I ever really tried too hard. It baffles me these things have become such a part of my existence. I can't remember what functioning without them was like. But I did! Once in the age before 18! I can't go a day without them now, unless I'm so hungover from the night before they make me sick. Oh and sex, where does that come in? Oh yes, filling holes. Sex can be so positive! But it can and is often used the same way drugs and alcohol are. To fill up those holes in your soul with cheap crumbly plaster.

So here I am. Determined to remind myself I am separate from these things. To let the plaster crumble and maybe find more reliable fixtures. And to have a little fun recording my potential hysterics in the coming month. My roommate thinks I'm crazy, my mom encourages me now but will probably put a drink in my hand at some point, and I've got like a billion suitors texting me all the time....seriously like a billion. What's up boyz? Don't be maddd..